This week has been hard. I’m sick with a bad cold and not working for the first weekend in months. In case you didn’t know – I’ve been a partner at a cafe. Recently I discovered some concerning and unprofessional things behind the scenes that helped me decide to abandon ship. I’m putting my best interests first. So I’m a bit bummed, thinking about the customers and connections I’ve made. The foods I’ve shared. I was just getting started. On the positive side, I’ve had some more time to paint. And make blueberry chocolate chip pancakes.

Blueberry Chocolate Chip Pancakes

To provide more context: I have a tendency to idealize situations. Even those that may appear, when you dig below the surface, not good for me. I was left to run the cafe by myself for the past few weeks, which caused concern, exhaustion, and a lopsided division of responsibilities. I’ve always struggled to stand up for myself. But I’ve made great strides this week. The situation became unfair to me and many red flags arose. So the best decision was to close. To move on. I’ve been conflicted emotionally. Relieved and feeling free. Yet disappointed by letting my customers down. The potential left unknown. 

Overall I’m happy. It’s been a wake up call to focus more on myself. My health, too. I’ve come down with a pretty bad cold and I’ve been napping, drinking tea, and taking my vitamins. I’ve found a couple opportunities related to my art, which is exciting, and met with an artist who made me feel good about myself. She is making a huge effort to support my creative endeavors. We’re partnering to put my paintings on tote bags, and they’ll be sold in the U.S. and Japan! So I’ve been working on the first painting. As many thoughts run through my head. 

American Diner-Style Pancakes

Our first project, and painting, revolves around American pancakes. I knew I wanted to photograph a stunning stack of flapjacks to paint. So I spent the day Wednesday mixing a big bowl of pancake batter and melting butter in my cast iron pan. I put on a podcast and found myself scooping the thick batter into even circles. In the middle of sizzling brown butter. I used my classic buttermilk pancake recipe, which is a quintessential American diner-style variety. To spruce them up a bit, I added Maine blueberries and chocolate chips. Reminiscent of my beloved blueberry chocolate chip cookies. 

So I ended up with a thick, caramelized, warm stack of blueberry chocolate chip pancakes. I sat down for a late breakfast, tired from a few days of working, recipe developing, and prepping. My body was sore. I could feel a tinge of something wrong in my chest and my throat. So I had a cup of tea with my blueberry chocolate chip pancakes, and I topped them with real local maple syrup. Gifted to my mom from someone who tapped trees during Maine maple Sunday recently. I took a whiff of the syrup when I sat down. An amber potion inside of a glass mason jar. It still smelled like a tree. Earthy and sweet. It was intoxicating.

Real Maine Maple Syrup

I poured a generous drizzle over my pancakes and caught up on my rotation of reality TV while I ate and relaxed. I was thinking a lot about what to do. What decision to make? The cafe was going great. I had returning customers already raving about my food. I’ve been so proud of my cinnamon rolls, cookies, hash browns, and breakfast plates. Tender potato bread breakfast sandwiches have been flying off the shelves. I’ve made some friends and met some cool people. Locals who want to bring their friends. Family members seeing off their loved ones on long flights. It pains me a bit to know I won’t get to cook for them again.

I had blueberry chocolate chip pancakes on special. Hand-written on a chalk board. Along with my spinach and artichoke hand pies from last week, which are so delicious. I couldn’t wait to share them with people. But sometimes life doesn’t go the way you planned. Restaurants close all the time. And bigger, sadder things are happening in the world. I’ll be fine.

Endings and Beginnings

I’m mostly ruminating on the potential we could have had. The many other customers we could have served. But this is the right decision. The professional and legal aspects behind the scenes were concerning. I could have feigned ignorant and kept going. Focused on making money. But part of my maturation, at age 30, is trying to do the right thing. Even when it hurts me. 

I saved some blueberry chocolate chip pancakes to eat for my breakfast at work on Thursday. My last day, little did I know, of setting my alarm, rolling out of bed, and driving an hour down the coast. My little airport cafe. Brewing coffee and putting out pastries. It was a normal day with friendly pilots that bought breakfast. A returning couple came back for the breakfast sausage. And the airport manager tried a fried chicken sandwich. It was slow, mostly, and I had plenty of time to clean. So I decided to dig further into the paperwork for a later meeting. Then the right decision became very clear. 

Plans for the Future

I’m relieved that there are many entrepreneurs interested in leasing the cafe after us. The airport will choose someone fantastic, with more experience than myself, who will have a great, local business. On the positive side I will no longer have a 2-hour commute. Finally I get to spend more time with my family. I’ve missed walking with my mom on Sundays and sleeping in. Painting in the sunlight and cooking a leisurely lunch. Marathoning TV and playing video games in my pajamas. Drinking tea and eating hot pancakes. So my soul is happy. And relieved. Everything happens, and ends, for a reason.

I’m still young. But I’ve learned another great life lesson. Be cautious when you go into a partnership. When you leap off a cliff, make sure you have a parachute. Do the right thing, even when it’s the harder option. And always stand up for yourself when you’ve been taken advantage of. The lessons will continue. As will my lifelong pursuit of mastering cooking and baking. I want to use this experience as a springboard towards hosting a supper club. Or a pop-up bakery. I will have a much better work-life balance now. And the possibilities for the future are endless. My sights are set on art, cooking for fun (thank goodness) and Japan. 

Simple Pancakes and Quiet Weekends

If you’re like me, you may have a lot of anxiety. I’ve grown out of it, a lot, simply by getting used to that monkey on my shoulders. But in order to cope with my anxiety, I often tell myself that my situation is ideal. The people around me are perfect, the hours could be worse, we have all the potential in the world. But lately I’ve made it a goal to balance that radical optimism with being more realistic. Honest with myself. What could be better? Am I willing to compromise my health or my happiness? Of course the answer is no.

These pancakes are easy to make, so I didn’t feel the need to elaborate on the process. They’re unfussy – simply mix the dry ingredients and wet ingredients. Fold them together. Heat a good bit of butter in a cast iron skillet. Take your time and enjoy it. Slow down. Make sure the butter is brown and scoop one pancake at a time.

It doesn’t need to be perfectly round. Wait until it bubbles and flip it. Marvel at the golden halo. Smell the delicate vanilla-scented cake and brown butter and stack your pancakes like they’re in a classic American movie. Finally enjoy your pancakes with real, hot maple syrup and a glass of orange juice. Crisp bacon. Listen to the wind through the window and forget about the world.

The First Pancake

It’s funny that this week coincided with pancakes. The cafe was like a first pancake. The one that comes out a little weird and burnt. The sacrificial lamb. But now I know I can handle it. I can do it again, and I can succeed. There will be a next time because I know it’s possible. I will be even more true to myself. My skills will be even more honed. So I will be an even more well-rounded person, and a more cautious business person. I can go slower and be patient. Have a better balance. Then I can find the perfect place for me. I’m not in a rush. For now, I’m going to enjoy quiet time. Art. Cooking for fun. A true pleasure! And healing from this cold. 

Lastly, Masterchef Australia is starting next week. My very favorite show. The inspiration it gives me for my food is incredible. The farmers market is almost ready for the season. Which I’ll have so much free time to attend. I’m just in time to spend a few days planting herbs. Flowers. Vegetables. And the weather is fantastic. Things are looking up. Once this cold is gone I’m taking the world by storm. No more hiding myself or my art. I finally have the confidence I need to show what I can do. This is just the beginning. 

Thank you for reading! If you enjoy my paintings and recipes, be sure to check out my Etsy store for 100’s or art prints and recipe cards. Use code THEFORKEDRING for 25% off.