This week I decided to make cookies, one of my very favorite things, with M&M’s instead of chocolate chips. They remind me of the ones I used to get in college. When I was busy, depressed, or stressed, I would hit up the express lane for lunch and get a chicken caesar wrap with an apple, potato chips, and a hard-as-a-rock chocolate M&M cookie. I grew to not hate them over time. But I decided to make brown butter M&M cookies instead with my own chewy and rich cookie base to help cope with an onslaught of self doubt and anxiety. 

Brown Butter M&M Cookies

To be honest, this week has been a little hard. Nothing in particular has happened to set me off, except for a couple routine rejection emails that are standard for a self-employed artist. On Monday we made nachos for dinner. My mom cooked up some taco meat and I grated some sharp cheddar, arranged chips on a baking sheet, and artfully placed the toppings before they baked. It was a good way to start off the week. But I felt a little somber. 

I’m not sure why. The weather. The fact that it’s getting dark at 4:30 maybe. But the next day I was excited to work on some orders for local stores. I dealt with some printer issues but prevailed after a few minutes of troubleshooting. Then I had lunch and worked out for my brain. I pushed myself and ran to my limit, probably inspired by the athletes on Physical Asia I’ve been watching. I felt good, initially. Then I started to feel overwhelmed. I felt my breathing grow heavy, and my head was spinning with ideas, doubts, critical thoughts. 

Pool, Cooking, and Anxiety

I played pool with my dad to distract myself. The first two games were rough. I choked, hard, on a couple shots, and my dad was practically perfect. He destroyed me in 3 games, and I, being competitive, freaked out inside. I put a lot of pressure on myself. Because I hate that feeling when you can’t seem to get your body to behave with your mind. Or you mind to behave and work with your body. I tried to calm down and told myself it wasn’t a big deal. But my anxiety wasn’t about pool. It was about feeling out of control in my life. 

I had offered to cook dinner that night for my parents. We were really excited to try the gourmet pici pasta from that cooking store my mom and I visited a couple weeks ago. Gorgeous tubes of handmade pasta in a cellophane bag, waiting for me. But for some reason I hadn’t thought of what to make. I had no plan. So when it was time to eat, I was still boiling water. Then, I realized the package said it would take 22 minutes to cook. So I panicked. 

Panic Cooking + Mental Health

Instead of taking my time, I felt guilty for not having dinner on the table on time. Something I think a lot of people feel on Thanksgiving, which is coming up. I put a ton of pressure on myself, especially with food, to treat my family. I could tell they were hungry after their long days. And I had a bad anxiety attack while watching the pasta boil. Should I make carbonara? Do I have enough time to cook bacon, and separate egg yolks? Do I have the patience?

The answer was no. And when I looked in the fridge I realized I was completely out of parmesan. The next few minutes were spent panicking, getting impatient with my parents as they asked me about my day. I needed absolute quiet to focus. Or to make room for my anxiety. And then I felt broken. Like something was wrong with me, and like I couldn’t control myself. It’s a helpless feeling. I realized too, when the pasta was halfway cooked, that I had only made enough for two people. My anxiety got worse, and I felt overcome with panic. 

Recipe Decision Paralysis

Ultimately I decided to throw together a quick butter sauce with lemon and salt. Good enough. My parents loved it anyway. And I didn’t eat with them. I gave myself some space. Listened to music in a dark room. I tried to breathe and calm down. But the remnants of that so-called failure and anxiety attack has been looming over me all week. I’ve been a bit down and feeling lost. So it all came to a head when I was deciding what recipe to make. Wednesday was a wash, filled with headaches and packaging orders and feeling off. So Thursday was go-time. 

I woke up and had a list of nearly 10 recipes that I could make. I tried to narrow it down. Brown butter M&M cookies were at the top. But I also considered Thanksgiving foods, almost as an OCD fixation to join the uprising of thanksgiving content I’ve seen on social media. I had a few holiday recipes that I wanted to make, but told myself I should wait until December. I came up with a couple new ideas, too, but didn’t have all the ingredients. And a drive to the store sounded like Hell for some reason. 

Dark Chocolate M&Ms

I started to panic again, which I tried to ignore by making breakfast. A great potato and egg scramble. Then, I knew I had to choose. So, to take care of myself, I decided to make the easiest choice. Brown butter M&M cookies. I can always throw together a cookie recipe in no time. And the other choices had much more room for failure. Who knows if I could handle failing madeleines again? I just didn’t need more stress. So I went ahead and started browning butter. I got out a bag of my mom’s sacred dark chocolate M&M’s, which she told me I could use.

My mom loves chocolate so much that she collects holiday M&Ms and Cadbury eggs so she can eat them all year. We used to have to stop at multiple Walgreens stores on the way home from a dinner out to buy entire cases of chocolates. She’s very serious about it. And I deeply respect her chocolate obsession. So it was a huge honor to be given the go-ahead to use her chocolate. I also decided that cookies were just what I wanted to eat, and that I should just follow my heart. So it was settled. And I began to feel better. Excited.

Brown Butter Cookie Dough

Getting lost in brown butter, measuring ingredients, and cracking eggs made me feel calm. The stress of the week began to melt away. My overthinking, which has been on fire, started to quell. After not long I had a great brown butter cookie dough. Slightly different from my previous cookie recipes. I wanted them to be more like classic thin, chewy, buttery cookies. Rather than my thicker, denser cookie recipes, which I still love. I was excited to use M&M’s, too, instead of having to chop up chocolate. It was easy. 

I folded in the rainbow of chocolate candies. My other anxiety is I always feel like I have to choose my recipe color first to curate the aesthetic of my blog. And rainbow can match anything. I delighted in the rich, golden cookie dough and the plethora of M&Ms and put my dough in the fridge to chill for an hour while I made lunch. When I ate and watched a good show I could tell my anxiety had improved. I even managed to send some emails and brainstorm new projects without becoming overwhelmed. 

A Touch of Sea Salt

So, back to the cookies. I preheated my oven and scooped cookie dough onto two parchment-lined baking sheets. I added more M&M’s on top, along with a sprinkle of sea salt. And they baked beautifully. I took my brown butter M&M cookies out just before they were golden in the middle, so they finished cooking on the baking sheet. And after about 20 minutes I transferred them to my cold cutting board to finish resting. I photographed them, tasted a sample cookie, and felt proud having helped myself to feel better. You can always count on cookies. 

How do they taste? Buttery, for one. I added a little extra to the recipe for pure gluttony’s sake. Using dark chocolate M&Ms helps add a lot more richness and depth, which reminds me a lot of my mom’s classic chocolate chip cookies. But they have a delightful shell crack with each bite. The edges of the cookies are rippled and chewy and the insides are a little fudgy and soft. Vanilla permeates throughout. And a pop of sea salt makes it hard to stop eating. They’re pretty much the perfect cookie. And the M&M’s reminded me of Christmas lights. 

Christmas Lights

Part of my anxiety is because of anticipating the holidays. This week will mark one year since my mom’s friend passed away, which is unbelievable. And it’s still very difficult and sad. It was right before Thanksgiving. I’m excited to cook all the classics for Thanksgiving, but I’m also a bit bummed about how fast time is going. I didn’t manage to travel this year. I feel like I just got home from Portugal, which was somehow a year ago. And another Christmas is right around the corner, which comes with great times and gifts but stress and budgeting.

The silver lining of my week was the Christmas lights that are now on display downtown. A few years ago they put in an unsightly and annoying roundabout near the town common, but I’ve gotten used to it. I discovered during a drive that the whole thing is covered in lights. There’s a grand, sparkly tree in the center. And the whole field and surrounding trees are outfitted with rainbow-colored bulbs. I drove by during sunset, which was a Neapolitan pink and orange sky. And I smiled, thinking of my brown butter M&M cookies and Christmas gifts. I reminded myself too how precious life is and how lucky I am to just be here. 

A Busy, Chocolate-Filled Week

The goal of the week going forward is to not put so much pressure on myself. I’m a complete perfectionist, and an over-thinker. So not every recipe has to be the right color, shape, or theme. Sometimes it’s fine to just bake a batch of cookies. Now I have time to prepare for next week. Thanksgiving. And to gather all the ingredients I need, in my own time. I have a couple meetings to end the week, which are exciting, and then I plan to relax as much as possible. To enjoy the weekend and watch some good TV. To eat some brown butter M&M cookies and start brainstorming Christmas presents. I can’t wait to see more festive lights and decorations as the season continues. 

I hope you’re getting excited for Thanksgiving! Next week I plan to share my favorite apple sage stuffing recipe, which is the highlight of our meal each year. I’ve made it countless times now and it gets a little better each year. I’m trying to get my mom to say it’s as good as my grandfathers, but that is an elusive goal I have yet to reach. I’ll post the recipe after the big day, but feel free to bookmark it for next year! Thank you for reading and coming along on this journey with me. I hope if you’re dealing with anxiety or depression like me that you can give yourself a big break. One step at a time.

And as always, be sure to check out Etsy for 100’s or my art prints and recipe greeting cards. Use code THEFORKEDRING for 25% off. 

Print Pin

Brown Butter M&M Cookies

A chewy, rich brown butter cookie with dark chocolate M&M's and a touch of salt

Course Dessert

Cuisine American

Keyword brown butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cookies, m&m cookies

Prep Time 1 hour hour 30 minutes minutes

Cook Time 12 minutes minutes

Servings 10

Author theforkedring

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter
• 1 tbsp heavy cream
• 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2/3 cup white sugar
• 1/3 cup brown sugar
• 2 whole eggs
• 1 1/3 cup AP Flour
• 1/2 cup bread flour
• 1/4 tsp baking powder
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1 3/4 cup dark chocolate M&M’s
• 1 1/2 tbsp flaky sea salt

Instructions

• Heat a large sauté pan over medium-high heat. Add your butter and melt fully, then cook until bubbly and golden brown.
• Remove from heat and let cool slightly. Add heavy cream and vanilla and stir to combine.
• Add your white and brown sugars and whisk into a thick slurry. Then, add your eggs, one at a time, and mix until combined.
• In a separate bowl sift together AP flour, bread flour, baking powder, baking soda, and kosher salt.
• Add your flour mixture to your brown butter, sugar, and egg mixture. Stir with a spatula until fully incorporated and thick.
• Add your M&M's and mix just until combined. Cover your pan and place in the fridge to chill for 1 hour.
• Preheat oven to 375°F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
• Scoop 10 equal balls of cookie dough onto your sheets, spacing at least 2 inches apart, 5 on each sheet.
• Bake for 11 – 14 minutes until edges are golden brown and middles are beginning to take on color. Remove from oven and let cool on pan.
• Top with a touch of flaky sea salt and serve warm.

Notes

• I use an ice cream scoop to portion my cookies. If you fill it completely, it will make 8 or 9, so try to leave a little room in the scoop.
• Feel free to use your favorite M&M flavor! Dark chocolate works well to keep the cookies from being too sweet.
• Cookies are perfectly done when the very middle is nearly fully cooked because they’ll continue cooking a little on the baking sheet. If you like a crunchier cookie, feel free to add 2 minutes of baking time.