This blog, besides being about coffee creme brulee, is about mental health. Finding your inner child again after severe artist’s block. I have always struggled with unrealistically high expectations of myself. When I was a kid, I had to be better than everyone. I had to be the best artist, and the best athlete, and the best student. It was because I severely lacked self respect and confidence. I was incredibly insecure as a lonely, weird kid, who was afraid of what everyone thought. It was a really hard way to grow up – and it still is sometimes. 

Last week I was commissioned to make 27 paintings. For context, the last year of my life has been a quest to find the energy to make 1. In January 2023 I painted my favorite sticky buns, and you would think I was pumping myself up for an olympic track meet. I was stretching with headphones pumping workout music through my ears. I washed my brushes and treated the frayed edges while trying to control my breathing. When I sat down, I patted myself on the leg and said “you can do this”. The next 60 minutes was a push on the heavy brain anvil I was carrying around. When I was done, I was shocked that there was paint on the paper and it looked how I imagined. It felt like sisyphus had pushed the boulder over a hill. 

Taking a Break from Art + Baking Creme Brulee

I know this probably sounds melodramatic, but my mental health was extremely fragile a year ago. I was lost and had been consumed by loneliness after a long pandemic. All of my closest friends were living all over the world without me, and I was here, in my parent’s house. I had little money in my bank account and needed desperately to dig my way out of the trench. So, painting and art, the thing that I loved as a child, became my obligation. It determined my worth – how much I could sell. How validated people made me feel. So, I gave up. I put my brushes away angrily and hid my watercolor paper in my desk.

I distracted myself from my fear of making art by convincing myself I was a people person, not an art person. 

I’ve never been very similar to other artists my age. The effortlessly cool and edgy and interestingly dressed people in my art classes. I am a simple plain t-shirt kind of guy. I dress like an English teacher on a good day. So, I convinced myself that art was not my calling. Instead, I worked hard to create a business that would allow me to travel and teach. I could help people, inspire them, help them heal.

Falling in Love with Art Again

I found myself standing in the Uffizi gallery in Florence, Italy, in an empty room with Primavera. It’s a grand, striking, sublime, and incredibly emotional painting by Botticelli that I’ve always loved from afar. Suddenly the pure spirituality and magic of art was smacking me in the face and I actually started to cry. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. When I returned to my bedroom that night, I wrote a list of painting collections I wanted to make. But I buried it deep down. 

I made incredible friendships in Italy. My goal was to become the best teacher and leader and I felt in a lot of ways like I had failed. On one of the first days of the trip I revealed my stack of 100+ recipe cards, which had my paintings printed on the covers. My new friend Jake took them and arranged them all over our staircase. He photographed them, and told me he had a surprise for me. When I came downstairs, all of my hard work was laid out in front of me for the first time. I was emotional, but quickly moved on to worry, stress, and other things. Later on in the trip, I sat with Jake on a park bench in Florence, drinking wine, at midnight. He said to me his goal was to help me fall in love with art again. 

Painting Again

When we returned home, I decided to send Jake a birthday card. I remembered that conversation, and I felt terrified to paint. But, I sat down and sketched and hand-painted his birthday card by the light of my desk lamp, late at night. When I agreed to paint 27 paintings recently, I was hit with a huge wave of fear. I felt tight and heavy. But I told myself this would be good for me. It would be my training to get back into art.

I began by sketching half of the paintings late at night while listening to podcasts. The next day, I cleaned my desk. Which led to cleaning my room. Vacuuming. Dusting. Reorganizing. And suddenly it was dinner time. I was too scared to paint. But the next day, I drank coffee and dove right in. First I filled in lines and curves and shaded colors and suddenly had completed 6 paintings. I was euphoric eating lunch, watching the new live action Avatar The Last Airbender. I still have 14 paintings to do, but I’m excited. I’m eager. And I feel this passion and this love for art coming back to me.

Healing My Inner Child Through Baking

The thing I’ve been thinking about lately, and my motto for 2024, is to heal my inner child. We all have that inner child within us that desperately wants fun, friendship, creativity, joy. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what I loved as a kid and why I lost that magic. I was the kid that sat inside for hours sketching houses and cartoons and celebrities. The kid that made abstract paintings with acrylic paint on cheap canvases from Target. I was the kid that baked cookies and obsessed over Masterchef Australia and pretended to have my own restaurant. I was the kid that wrote books on construction paper and had a gigantic imagination.

So where did that all go – and why can’t I get it back? I’m thinking of myself now as a coffee creme brulee. I have grown and matured and intensified but I’m still a soft and warm sugary soul with a hard shell. I don’t like to let people in, or see my vulnerabilities. But I’m going to. I feel like vulnerability is what we all desperately need right now. And I’m brave enough to say that I’m struggling. I’m a work in progress. But I’m also so happy to say that I’m falling in love with art again. 

Coffee Creme Brulee Recipe

So, in order to treat my inner child this week, I watched my favorite childhood show, Avatar The Last Airbender, and baked my coffee creme brulee recipe. It’s a simple coffee creme brulee with coffee extract and a deeply caramelized shell. I like to chill them for a while before serving because the contract between cold and hot is so delightful. Like ice and fire. I began with finding my recipe card in my golden recipe box. I dug through 100’s of my own recipes and paintings. It still gives me pride and feels magic to see all of them together. I threw on my Florence skyline apron from a random gift shop in Italy. Then, I began to crack eggs over a bowl. 

I separated the whites from yolks with two half egg shell cups, humming one of my favorite Yebba songs. I placed the egg yolks in a bowl and measured sugar, salt, and extract. Then I grabbed a whisk out of our old utensil drawer and dragged the thing through a heavy sand-like mixture, feverishly mixing until smooth. With the coffee extract it turns into a pale brown meringue-looking thing. Then I sifted through the fridge for heavy cream and half and half and smelled them to make sure they were still usable.

The Dance of Cooking

I measured and poured the creams into a saucepan and turned the heat on, waiting for it to bubble. Once hot, I transferred the pot to our old cutting board and slowly poured some of the cream into the egg mixture. I forgot to put a towel under the bowl so as I whisked, it shook and turned wildly. Slowly the mixture thinned and came together. I grabbed a rubber spatula and scraped the anglaise back into the saucepan. I switched to my whisk. The mixture steamed as I stirred for 10 minutes, thinking of my anxieties, people who have hurt me, things I’m scared of. Conversations I want to have. And suddenly the mixture had slightly thickened.

After flicking off the heat I placed the saucepan once again on the cutting board to cool. I grabbed a sheet pan out of an old cabinet and basked in the familiar sounds of the pans clanking. I placed my ramekins on top, thinking of the birthday long ago when I got them as a gift. Or was it Christmas? Then, I poured the coffee creme brulee mixture into the ramekins like sugary off-white waterfalls. I placed the sheet pan of custards in the oven with the rack pulled out halfway, and poured a cup of hot water on the pan around the ramekins. I carefully slid the squeaky rack into the depths of oven and closed the door, pressing a kitchen timer 30 times.

Goals for the Future

While I waited, I cleaned, dreamed, and listened to music. I sifted nervously through emails and dreamed of being a kid again. Living each day with that magic of coloring books and cartoons and ice cream trips and picnics. Sleepovers with friends and going to the movies. Obsessing over murder mysteries and baking brownies and cakes and cookies.

I want to take my adult self who is so concerned with adult things and covered in a thick layer of hard sugar fear and seriousness and I want to crack him right open. I want my soul and my joy to ooze out like custard. As I’m writing this I’m excited to return to the kitchen on day two and brulee my chilled custards. I ate one too soon yesterday and it was soup, but it was so good. Today I’m taking on more of my custom paintings, listening to podcasts, having plenty of fear and anxiety, but I’m going to be thinking of who I am at the core. I’m going to live like that little kid and be boundlessly creative and playful and free. And I’m going to eat coffee creme brulee in bed.

If you want to check out my creme brulee recipe card and art print, head on over to Etsy! Use code THEFORKEDRING for 25% off. I appreciate you for reading.

Print Pin

Coffee Creme Brulee

A rich coffee version of the classic

Course Dessert

Cuisine French

Keyword creme brulee

Prep Time 40 minutes minutes

Cook Time 40 minutes minutes

Servings 6

Author theforkedring

Ingredients

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 cup half and half
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 tbsp coffee extract
• 5 egg yolks
• 1/2 tsp sea salt
• Extra superfine sugar for tops

Instructions

• Preheat oven to 325° F.
• In a medium saucepan, cook the cream and half and half over medium heat until scalding.
• In a large bowl, whisk together the sugar, vanilla, egg yolks, and coffee extract until light and fluffy.
• When your cream is hot, slowly add 1/4 cup to the egg yolk and sugar mixture and whisk to combine.
• Gradually add more of the hot cream while whisking to temper the egg yolks.
• Return the mixture to the saucepan and cook for 5-10 minutes over medium-high until the mixture starts to thicken. Remove from heat.
• Arrange ramekins on a sheet pan lined with aluminum foil.
• Let the creme brûlée mixture cool slightly, and then fill each ramekin 3/4 of the way with custard.
• Place your sheet tray in the oven with the wire rack extended out. Carefully pour a thin layer of hot water into the tray.
• Close oven door and let custards bake for 35 – 45 minutes until mostly set. There should be a slight jiggle in the very middle.
• Remove from oven and let cool slightly. Chill in the fridge for at least 3-4 hours until cold.
• To serve, top each creme brûlée with a thin layer of fine sugar and gently toast with a blowtorch until the sugar caramelizes.

Notes

• To make it easier to temper your egg mixture with cream, set your bowl of eggs and sugar on a kitchen towel so it doesn’t spin. Pour the cream in with one hand and whisk with the other.
• Feel free to add more or less coffee extract to suit your taste – I fully support a strong coffee flavor!
• When torching the sugar, keep the torch at a distance from the top at first to prevent burning. Gradually move closer or turn up the heat if your sugar is slow to burn. 
• To know if your creme brulee is done cooking, shake the pan slightly (be careful not to burn yourself with hot splashing water) – the bullseye of the top of the custard should be slightly wiggly and the rest of the custard should not move.
• Alternatively, if you don’t own a blowtorch, there are a few options. One is to broil the creme brûlées with the sugar on high for a minute. I don’t really like this option because it warms the custard too much. I would recommend making a caramel separately (1 part sugar to 1 part water) and pouring onto a silicon-mat-lined sheet tray. Once the caramel is slightly set, take a ring cutter the size of the inside of your ramekin and cut out circles to place on top. This is also a great option because it keeps the sugar from burning and the custard can stay super cold!